Showing posts with label Mortal mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mortal mom. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Ode to a Second Brother

Indulge me. This is a post I wrote 3 years ago on my Mortal Mom blog. The occasion was my brother Nate's 40th birthday. He is one of my biggest influences in life.

***
When I was three, I got another brother.
"No thanks. I already have one of those!"
"Not one like this."
My parents were right. This was no redundancy on their part. Probably the first difference we noticed was that this one was a climber. My parents built two new bedrooms onto the house to accommodate their growing family. The rooms weren't quite ready for habitation, but Nate fell out of his crib one night, forcing them to move him to Jed's bigger crib. Jed got to move into his room a day early. I got stuck in the old room watching to make sure the convict baby didn't try to make another run for it. From then on, I became safety patrol, informing authorities of breaches in security and public safety. Nate climbed so many things, tables, bookshelves. We have proof. My mother always took pictures before scolding him. Meanwhile, Jed and I stood on the sidelines, scratching our heads, wondering why we never thought of any of this.
Of the four of us, I'd have to say that Nate got into the most trouble. He had more imagination and guts and less inhibitions than the rest of us. We used this to our advantage. "SUCKS" didn't sound like such a bad word, but just to be sure we sent Nate in to say it to my dad. Sure enough, it did not make the approved list, as indicated by the soap bubbles floating from Nate's mouth. Note to self: Don't say "sucks."
We put our marks on each other. I tickled Nate when he was hanging upside down on the swing-set and caused him to have stitches. Check for the scar on his bald head. My only black eye? Him--or his head, rather. He caused me to go through the glass screen door, which gave me enough scars on my forearms for my sister's mother-in-law to ask her if I had tried to commit suicide. Suicide. No. Fratricide? No...comment.
Still, this extraneous brother let nothing stop him--even a full leg cast on one leg and an immobilizing brace on the other. He climbed bleachers and staircases, and yes, he fell flat on his face. But fear of the faceplant, real or metaphorical, was never a reason not to do something for Nate. This guy sold encyclopedias door to door in California one summer during college.
I did safe things over my summer breaks--most notably, take more classes. During one such summer session, I came home from college to see my brother Jed give a commencement address to his high school class. The same weekend, I went to the Joan Jett concert, in which Nate was the opening act in the form of a lip-synch competition. Nate performed in this ritual and won first place with a rendition of Joe Dola's "Shaddup You Face". He wore a cub scout hat and had his friends as his back-up band, one mock-playing an accordion. He bought Oakley sunglasses with his prize money.
He loves designing T-shirts. In college he hand painted a T-shirt for pregnant me. It had a huge succulent pear on it and the word RIPE. I loved that T-shirt and wore it to my baby shower. Around the same time, the Seinfeld years, he made a T-shirt for himself to wear around campus. It said, "Spongeworthy." AGGGHHH! Must refrain from making some sort of joke that includes the words "poster child" and "birth control" in it.
I am afraid I have not always been the most supportive of older sisters. I pooed (from the approved word list) on his idea to try out for the Penn State basketball team. This was right after his summer ordeal selling encyclopedias door to door. He was a 5'10" white kid who needed knee surgery. Poor guy trying to relive his high school glory days. I was imagining another faceplant. Instead, the following year, his face is on masks that people wear to the Bryce Jordan Center where fans chant his name. Every year, the team hands out 4 awards to its players, and each year that Nate was on the team, he won one of those awards, including the Coach's award.
Because of this brother, I've seen the President. He's the reason I first saw the great capital cities of the Europe: he was in England for a year as a basketball missionary, trying to save the redcoats from the false prophecy of soccer. This guy tried out to be the Nittany Lion and was runner up. He was also runner up for Pennsylvania Student Teacher of the Year. As an elementary school counselor, he painted his head every year, so the kids wouldn't be afraid of him. He does kind of look like a convict or Jesse Ventura, but a turn as a magic 8 ball or the globe solves that. I have watched him read a poem he wrote to his bride on his wedding day that left not a dry eye in the church. I have watched him defend his doctoral dissertation. That was more of a sweaty palms ordeal. Afterwards, our grandpa started listing his physical ailments over the phone.
"Not that kind of doctor, Gramps."
"Well, what good are you?"
Plenty good.
This brother of mine takes more pictures than anyone I know. And happily, for the last 40 years, I have been able to look through Nate's fish-eye lens and see the world in quite a distorted and weirdly wonderful way. Had my parents stopped at 2 kids, life would have been very boring indeed. I would have taken less risks and had fewer adventures (scars). If it hadn't been for Nate, I would never have taken pictures of myself dripping in purple paint or taken my own faceplant risks such as sending my novel out to agents or telling dad I was dating or a democrat or dating a democrat. Without Nate, I wouldn't be who I am. This, I know this for sure. Happy birthday to Nate. Happy life galvanization to me!

Monday, April 27, 2015

Mortal Mom

In 2002, I started a blog called Mortal Mom. The original title was Divine Mother, Mortal Me, but that was too long, so I abbreviated to Mortal Mom. The Divine Mother half was about the creation aspect, creation being an act of the divine as far as I am concerned. And Mortal Me referred to the humbling world motherhood. In our society, motherhood serves to show you just how human you are, because whatever track you take, you will have those out there who tell you that you are doing it wrong. Often those people are your own children. The raising of little people is at best a thankless task and at worst is a forum for all the world to criticize you.  The blog was about maintaining a creative life while also working full-time and raising kids, who were five and eight at the time. I wanted the blog to be a conversation with other mothers who were going through similar issues of finding time to make art--and I did. But the blog was also a way for me to keep running tabs on myself and my progress with my creative goals. What did it mean to be an artist in the face of motherhood? Were there times when my art came before my kids? Could I do it all? Could I still be considered an artist if I wasn't doing any artwork at the time? What were the hallmarks of an imaginative life?

I changed platforms for the blog, so I don't have records of any of it before 2008. Some of 275 posts that I do have are fun to reread. I cringe at others. But it was my path. And the blog tells an important part of my story. This blog entry should be on my Mortal Mom blog, but as I have laid that to rest, I am telling the story here. My daughter just came home today after being in New York City for eight weeks. She was doing a film-acting intensive for six college credits with New York Film Academy. She is a changed girl. Can you imagine being let loose to do as you please in the greatest city in the world at the age of seventeen? I would have killed for that opportunity. It has shaped her and probably will continue to shape her for years to come. If that experience wasn't enough, her six classmates were from all over the world, representing all the continents except Antarctica. I hope someday she does a world tour next and gets to visit all her new friends.

But I do not want to tell Maren's story. I want to share my experience of being a mother and an artist. For the last eight weeks, Mark and I have experienced the empty nest. It has been glorious, and in expressing just how glorious it was, I get a twinge of guilt. Mothers are not supposed to be in ecstasy when their kids leave home. If you believe the media archetype of an empty-nester mom, she is sad and bored--not knowing what to do with herself. Sending care packages to her child and sealing off her room with velvet ropes until the lost sheep returns home on a break. Not so with me. Maybe it was because Maren was only leaving for eight weeks; my separation from my youngest child was only temporary. We were getting on one another's nerves before she left. Knowing it was temporary, I took full advantage of our time apart. I even turned her bedroom into a sewing room, temporary though it was.

Here is the list of things I accomplished in that time:
1. Redecorated the Living Room, with painted wall, new furniture, changed artwork and mantle scape.
2. Painted a 48x36 painting for the living room, my first finished painting in years.
3. Designed and printed a prototype of a poster that I am going to use as a fundraiser for an upcoming civic project.
4. Sewed 2 skirts, 2 pair of pants, a dress and a half (only half-way done with the second dress), and a shirt. The shirt and the pairs of pants were of my own design.
5. Started a blog and wrote over 50 blog entries.
6. Designed and planted my garden
7. Finished my quilt
8. Redid my website

It felt like I was on fire--able to accomplish anything. I finished old projects and started new ones. I tried explaining the freedom I felt to to my other mom friends.  I didn't have a million things on my mind. More than just freeing up my time, my kids' absence gave me the psychic space that helped me accomplish it all. When my kids are around, it is my job to keep tabs on them, answer their questions, make sure they get places on time. Even if they have their schedule under control, I still fret and check the time on my phone until they are out the door. The fretting isn't productive, but I can't stop myself. It is part of the mother code. Is the child dressed appropriately for the occasion, for the weather? I have to juggle everyone's schedule in my head. Figure out a dinner plan for all of us when two out of three people have evening plans.

It was the absence of all of that that freed me creatively. Maren is home now. I want to be excited about that. It is good to have her in our midst again. We have a new appreciation of one another born of separation. And as much as I value that, I don't want to lose my momentum for my projects and my creative gain. Can I find a place in my mothering that allows Maren to be responsible for herself? She already is responsible in so many ways. This is a girl who navigated all of the New York subway system on her own. I am sure she would love it if I backed off on the fretting and overarching control I have over the family schedule. The lesson of the day is letting go, for her sake and mine. These next few weeks will be a test for all of us, learning to live with each other again, and trying not to unlearn the lessons that distance provided. I am a Mortal Mom. I am sure to make more mistakes before that day when Maren really does leave us for good. But these last weeks have proven that I am also the Divine Mother, and she too must be honored.